A Real Life with RSD: June 2008

MORE THAN MONDAY MORNING BLUES-

Feelings of being alone-fearful-angry-feelings of worthlessness- hopelessness-restlessness, irritability, or feeling on edge-feelings of overwhelming anxiety and fear.

Over the last 5 or 6 months, I've been battling the worst depression I've ever had. Only now have I really decided to share this.

Some of this I feel is related to the spy that WA state's workman's Comp. hired to watch me in June of 2005 for three days. The video caught me having a little fun, as a Day Camp Director for about 200 Cub Scouts! This was the last year I was doing this, it was announced daily that a new camp director would be needed for next years camp. The video is only 22 minutes long, with 17 minutes of me. The spy, paused or would stop the video every time I would sit down, or would go to the RV to lay down.

Over the last several months, making a phone call, reading or writing emails, getting out of bed was ALL so difficulty. Sitting and staring out the window consumed my days, I'm not even sure what I was staring at.

I tried to get to some of the every day chores, laundry, dishes, emails, phone calls, but I have to admit that did not always happen.

For me one of the worst things about depression, is knowing your depressed-knowing what to do to help yourself, but, and its a BIG BUT-Not to be confused with a BIG BUTT! I just could not do it, its just to much effort...

There are so many things that got left undone when this hit me. Which only added to the depression and the guilt.
So how do I go to all of these people that were counting on me, and tell them what? I'm sorry I did not get to you, I let you down- I was depressed?

There are a lot of people out there, who just do not understand depression, and living with depression. For me I do not like telling others I'm depressed-because of the fear of what they may think.

Only now, am I finally seeing flickers of light at the end of this lonely trail.

Whats your thoughts?
What do you do when your depressed?
Do you suffer with depression all of the time?
Do you tell others when your depressed?